so that wasnt chicken after all
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
