just tell him i said nine months
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
