No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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