Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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