Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Get this. He's a red head and he works at country oven bakery. He will forever be known as the gingerbread man.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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