I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize