he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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