I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
