i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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