i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
