The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Randomize
