Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
