Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
