omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Randomize
