wrigley field is MILF paradise
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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