After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
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