I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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