Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
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