Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
