Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
how do you play pong handcuffed?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Randomize