I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Every concussion has its silver lining
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
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