he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
Randomize
