I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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