I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
Randomize
