I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Come on in and take your pants off
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