she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
