Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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