Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
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