I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
