Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
