I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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