well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Randomize
