i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
Randomize
