Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
Can I ask u a weird question?
Sure
do u have the hershy squirts too?
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
