I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
