Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
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