Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
