can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
Randomize
