Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
