Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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