Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
She was not exactly lady-like. Down there.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
