So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
anyone who has a picture of a ferrari with the caption "mAh DreAM caR" is getting denied as my facebook friend.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Randomize
