Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
