Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
