If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
Randomize
