no, he came in my armpit
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I would fuck him just for his dog
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
