the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
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