Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so high. i feel like my whole body is a boner
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize