so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
