Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
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