got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
