Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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