Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
Randomize