Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
