When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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