went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
The streak lives on, still havent been to Towson without throwing up
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Sorry about my life...
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
I need to align my fucking chakras
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
